By WILMÉ STEENEKAMP

This is an issue which most parents would prefer to avoid and, if it does come up, most would rather stick a book in their child’s hands and make a speedy exit… but it doesn’t have to be such a difficult issue if you know how to tackle the tough questions.

My first baptism of fire occurred when I was still a young mother. My daughter, then 2½ with a little baby brother, looked at my father earnestly and in front of the whole family asked, “Grandpa, do you also have a penis?”

The next fiery ordeal came when the same daughter, aged ten, was sitting reading a magazine and asked unexpectedly (again while the family was visiting): “What is oral sex?” I explained that the word ‘oral’ had to do with the mouth and that adults use their mouths and tongues to kiss, lick and suck when they have sex because this gives different types of sensations. She sat and thought for a little while, and then said, “Oh, it probably means a ‘blow job”, and paged to another article which she found more interesting.

On the one hand, we have the much-debated question over how much children need to know about sex and at what age they need to understand certain concepts. On the other hand, we may ask: is it damaging not to talk to our children about sexuality and sex? Should we be shocked when a child asks us about oral sex? Should a two-year old understand what a ‘penis’ is? Should children know that their parents have sex for pleasure and not just so Big Sister and Baby Brother could come into the world? If they catch us off guard with a blatant question, how honest should we be?

The answer to these questions lies in considering how we really communicate. 70% of our communication occurs in a non-verbal form, so what we don’t say will convey just as much as saying something specific. Not talking about sex and sexuality, or becoming flustered and embarrassed when talking or being questioned about it, conveys a message to your child that sex is a shameful subject and perhaps even that it is dirty or taboo.

Most parents would like to discuss sexuality with their children, but just don’t know how to. In countries like Sweden, where sex education has been compulsory for generations, modern parents were raised by parents who were well-informed and mature in sexual matters and who could speak openly with their children about sex and sexual health. They carry little emotional baggage and display few signs of sexual repression. There is also statistical evidence that Swedes have a lower incidence of sexual ill-treatment, sexual abuse, abortion, suicide, teenage pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases.

The evidence is certainly persuasive, but how do I do it? How do I talk to my children about sex?

One tactic is to educate yourself by reading up on the subject. Another tactic is to become more comfortable with your own sexuality. This should happen spontaneously as a person grows emotionally, but professional counselling could also help. You will feel more comfortable about discussing sexual matters with your children as you grow in both of these areas.

Why children need to know:

o It is important for children to know that information about sex is not ‘dirty’, for adults only, secret or something to feel ashamed about.

o Knowledge protects children by making them less vulnerable.

o Information about sexual issues gives children a realistic understanding of what is healthy and what isn’t. Child molesters almost always choose children who are ignorant about sex, who can easily be led up the garden path and who are unlikely to tell anyone about it.

o Children who are taught that it is okay to talk about their bodies and about sexuality will be more comfortable with their sexuality as adults and will thus hold greater potential for a more fulfilling sexual relationship with their life partner.

Teaching children about sexuality, sexual intercourse and the conception of babies does not mean that you are teaching them to have sex or that you are giving them permission to have it. We should teach them that although this is an adult activity, we can help them as youngsters to understand their bodies.

If you say nothing, then your child’s ‘educators’ in sexual matters will be the media (TV, books, advertisements, movies, etc.) and school mates. This ‘education’ will inevitably expose them to many false perceptions and misunderstandings, to misinformation, exploitation, aberrations and myths.

How do I decide what a child should know and at what age?

Be mindful of the fact that you shouldn’t wait for your child to ask you about sex, but that you should offer information at suitable times. Life provides many teachable moments – make the most of each one of these and use them to instruct your child.

Toddlers:

Children between the ages of 2 and 4 are the easiest to talk to. They are curious, receptive and want to learn about their bodies, reproduction and the world around them and they don’t yet have emotional baggage. They accept information willingly and easily. Children this age tend to use fantasy to fill the gaps in the information given, and will sometimes develop misconceptions which need correcting.

Teach them that sexuality is a private matter. If they ever feel uncomfortable about something that someone does to them or in front of them, they must say ‘no’ / run away / say it makes them feel uncomfortable. They can touch their private parts, but not in front of strangers because this undermines their private space. They should not discuss their sexual feelings with strangers, since other people might not want to hear about them – although it is always okay to talk to Mommy and Daddy.

They need to know that sex is for grown-ups and that when they are grown up, they can choose whether to have sex or not. They might choose never to have sex, but they must still look after their bodies.

They need to learn that sperms are ‘planted in / carried to’ the woman’s egg cells through sexual intercourse, and that a baby grows in the mother’s womb and is born through the vaginal opening.

Boys:

Teach a boy that he will often get spontaneous erections and that this is normal (it begins from 17 weeks onwards in the womb). Tell him that his penis must ‘exercise’ to stay healthy so that he can be a father one day if he wants to. He can expect to feel a pleasurable sensation when his penis is erect. Teach him to wash his penis and that a boy’s testicles are outside his body to make them cooler than his body’s heat. He must also learn that a boy should look after his testicles and that he should not hurt other males’ testicles.

Teach boys that they have two openings – one for urine and semen and one for passing stools. They can look at them with a mirror, if necessary.

Girls:

A girl should know that her genitals have a name (vagina/vulva) and that she has a clitoris which is like a very small penis. She will sometimes feel a ticklish sensation from her clitoris which is quite normal.

She has ‘testicle equivalents’ inside her body (ovaries) and she also has a urethra for urine and an anus for passing stools. A girl should learn that she will have a slight vaginal discharge and that this is normal and helps to keep her healthy.

She has a womb (uterus) which must ‘exercise’/prepare for when she becomes a mother. This happens when the womb prepares for the baby by swelling and, when a baby does not form in the womb, becomes smaller again by bleeding a little. When a mother has a baby, it grows in her womb (not in her tummy) and the baby comes out through her vagina.

First to third graders:

This group functions on another level and must understand all of the above information, along with more detail about nightly emissions, menstruation and information to help them distinguish between their digestive and reproduction systems. They can also be told a few facts about changes in their bodies which they will experience on reaching puberty.

You will have to repeat much of the information or explain it again in different ways.

Fourth to seventh graders:

They need to know everything that the previous two groups must know, along with more detail about bodily changes and basic information about sexually transmitted diseases. They must understand that nightly emissions (‘wet dreams’) and menstruation are clean and healthy processes.

Make use of opportunities to discuss tricky subjects such as popular misconceptions about ‘the perfect body’. Help them understand that teenagers do not have to be sexually active, but that they do have a choice. They must understand that, although many teenagers are sexually active, they should not feel forced to make the same choice.

You should also discuss the issue of pornography with this group – why people look at it, the incorrect perceptions it creates (for example, that men have enormous penises), the possible exploitation of people who take part in it and the excessive sexuality which it sometimes depicts. The unfortunate reality is that a very high percentage of children will be exposed to pornographic material at some stage, even if just by chance. For this reason, it does not help to avoid the subject. Teach your child about this subject and use every opportunity to discuss it with them.

Adolescents:

Your approach with this group shouldn’t be to tell them to become sexually active, but to listen to their questions and to talk about sexuality. They must understand that sexual activity brings with it responsibility. Tell them: “It’s your body and your life, so you must look after it – if you are afraid, rather wait and think about it some more.” They should also understand the implications of pregnancy (boys included), sexually transmitted diseases, sexual misuse and abuse. They need to hear that alcohol can influence their judgement and that they could be taken advantage of by people who put drugs into their drinks (‘date rape’).

Teenagers (both girls and boys) need to receive information about birth control – even if they aren’t going to be sexually active. If you are willing to talk and listen to them, they will confide in you more easily when they have questions or problems. They should always be told that people in an emotionally intimate and safe relationship can experience satisfaction and joy in their sexual relationship.

Adults:

If your son/daughter is already in a long-term relationship or if he/she is about to get married – ask yourself: do I still have anything to share? Of course you do! Encourage your adult children to be well informed about sex; many young people feel obliged to act as if they know it all until their ignorance trips them up.

It is a huge challenge to raise our children to sexual maturity, but what a wonderful gift we give to our children when we allow them to grow into sexually fulfilled, balanced adults.